Make it Stop

Hurt/no comfort

Summary: High school came and went, and Subaru never realized her feelings towards Saku. Now at university together, things seem to Subaru to be going just as she always hoped. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Saku.

“Natsusawa-kun!” Subaru calls, waving excitedly at the dark haired figure standing outside of the education building. He glances up from his phone, face flickering through a few emotions before finally landing on surprise as he spots her approaching.

“Hoshina-san? What are you doing all the way over here in the education department?” Saku asks, an edge of concern working its way into his voice.

“Looking for you, of course. Didn’t you get my text?” she asks, coming to a stop in front of him.

“I um, must have missed it,” he replies, eyes glancing away for a second before settling back on her again. “Did something happen?”

“No. Does something have to happen for me to come see you?” she asks, giving him a confused look. “I’m going to check out a new coffee shop that opened just off campus. Some of the upperclassmen said it was amazing. I’ve been dying to try it. You should come.”

He hesitates for a moment, before nodding. “Alright, but I can’t stay too long. I promised Mio that I would try to stop getting home so late.”

“I'm sure it won't take that long. Now c'mon!” she says.

They make their way out of the campus gates together, Saku exchanging greetings with a few classmates as they pass.

“It seems like you’re fitting in well. You seemed so unsure about T-University not that long ago,” Subaru says, giving him a small smile as they cross the street.

Saku lowers his head, not meeting her eyes. “Yeah. Everyone is really friendly.”

A flicker of unease stirs in Subaru’s stomach at his response, but she quickly dismisses it. She steps into the bright interior of the coffee shop, with Saku close behind.

After ordering, and receiving their drinks to-go, they set off once again. Saku accompanies Subaru on the short walk to her apartment building, trailing a few steps behind her.

She glances over her shoulder at him. “You know, I can’t really talk to you back there,” Subaru teases.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, quickening his pace to catch up to her.

“That’s better,” she says, as he falls in next to her on the sidewalk. “Have you seen the pictures Kaoruko sent to the group? It seems like she's doing really well at her new school,” she asks, sipping her drink.

Saku chuckles, quickly finishing off his drink before tossing the cup into a nearby trash can. “Yeah, Rintaro talks about her pretty much every chance he gets. He can barely help himself.”

“Must be nice,” Subaru murmurs. Saku hums noncommittally in response, as they come to a stop in front of the familiar building.

“Well, this is me. You know, you can come in for a little bit if you want. I've never gotten to show off my new apartment. I feel like I hardly see you these days,” she pouts, giving Saku a look.

Saku, a few steps behind, chuckles dryly, his eyes cast downward. “I think I'll pass today. Besides, you wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Having strange boys over to your apartment and all. Especially this late in the evening.”

Subaru frowns, confused. “Strange boys? Natsusawa-kun, I hardly think you qualify.”

Saku sighs. “Still…”

“Besides, I feel safe with you. It's like I told you before, being around you-”

“Stop,” he interrupts, voice suddenly tense.

Subaru narrows her eyes, and continues. “-makes me feel at ease. You’re a nice guy, and-”

“Stop!” Saku suddenly shouts, forcibly cutting her off. His voice reverberates off the walls of her apartment building. Subaru jolts back in shock, words dying on her lips. Her eyes go wide as Saku stares her down, the usually kind light in his eyes replaced with an unfamiliar void.

“I feel safe around you. Being around you makes me feel at ease. Just stop, Hoshina,” Saku echoes in a low voice. Subaru watches, speechless as he shoves his now shaking hands into his pockets.

“How oblivious can you even be, saying things like that as if they mean nothing. Getting my hopes up. I’m not special. I'm not nice. You shouldn’t treat me like I am,” he says, the words spilling out in a rush.

An unfamiliar burning sensation begins to spread through Subaru’s chest as she stands, frozen to the spot. Getting his hopes up? Hopes for what?

“When you came to see me today, I thought, maybe, just maybe-” He cuts himself off. “Half of my department thinks we’re dating,” he finishes.

Subaru blinks, her mind still reeling from Saku’s outburst. She opens her mouth to respond, but no words come out.

Saku sighs, eyes returning to the ground. His shoulders slump in defeat. “Why am I even telling you this? It's not like it matters anymore. Just- just stop. Leave me alone, okay?” he says, his voice breaking. He turns, quickly striding away from her.

Subaru wants to stop him, to say something to keep him from leaving. Instead, she watches, motionless as his retreating figure turns the corner and disappears from her sight. He doesn't look back.

After a few moments, Subaru slowly turns, stepping over the puddle of coffee spilled from the cup she didn’t remember dropping. She pushes open the door to her apartment building and steps inside.

The stairs loom in front of her as she climbs them on autopilot, unsure what else to do. The world is a blur around her; Saku’s words echo through her head. You make me feel at ease. I’m not special. Just leave me alone. The burning sensation in her chest intensifies.

Subaru unlocks the door to her apartment, slamming the door behind her. She presses her back against the cold metal, sliding down to the floor as the words begin to sink in. You wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. Half my department thinks we're dating. Suddenly, Kaoruko’s voice joins Saku’s. Hey Subaru, how do you feel about Natsusawa-kun?

Tears begin streaming down her cheeks. Now that he was gone, it seemed obvious. How could she be so stupid?

The time at the beach with their friends. Her friends’ attempts to nudge her in the right direction. The look in his eyes before he could hide it when she said something about him without thinking. Subaru buries her face in her hands. She loved him. And he had loved her.

Right up until she broke him.

A/N: I’ve been watching Ramparts of Ice lately, and I guess I just hadn’t met my quota for angst and drama yet. So, I took a shot at what Saku having a fight with a still-oblivious Subaru might look like. Saku has always struck me as a ten seconds of fury before being unable to continue. Hopefully I managed to portray that here. See you in the next one!

C2: Saku

Ping!

Hoshina Subaru:

> Hey, are you free after class today?

Saku sighs and dismisses the notification, slipping his phone back into his bag. Class has been over for nearly an hour now, but he wasn’t about to tell her that.

It had been nearly a year since they had started T-University together. At the time, it seemed like a great idea. Getting to stay close to her seemed like an opportunity too good to pass up.

Even if Subaru would never love him back, just being her friend would be enough. He could deal with her treating him like he was something special, all the while never herself realizing what she was doing.

At least, that's what he told himself. Every time he saw her, a dull ache bloomed in his chest. Every cluelessly affectionate word, another reminder. Eventually, he was forced to confront the truth. Just being her friend wasn't enough. It never would be. Somehow, some way, he had to get over her.

It wasn't difficult to avoid her. He started small, making excuses to miss when they usually ate lunch together. Until slowly, they stopped all together. Even the rumors that they were a couple that had started after some of his classmates had seen them at lunch together began to fade. It was painful at first, but every day, it got a little easier.

I suppose time does heal all wounds. Saku makes his way down the stairs, exiting the school building and stepping out into the evening sun. He slips his phone out of his bag once again. I wonder if I have time to-

“Natsusawa-kun!” a voice calls, jolting him from his thoughts. He glances up, to see Subaru making her way across the pavilion towards him. A twinge of pain flickers through his chest. Maybe she- No. He shoves the thought down before it can finish.

“Hoshina-san? What are you doing all the way over here in the education department?” he asks as she comes to a stop in front of him. This would be so much easier if she wasn’t so beautiful.

“Looking for you, of course. Didn’t you get my text?” she asks.

“I um, must have missed it,” he lies, doing his best to keep his expression neutral. “Did something happen?”

“No. Does something have to happen for me to come see you?” Subaru gives him a confused look. Thankfully, she continues before he has to come up with an answer.

“I’m going to check out a new coffee shop that opened just off campus. Some of the upperclassmen said it was amazing. I’ve been dying to try it. You should come.”

He tries to think up an excuse for a moment, but fails. “Alright, but I can’t stay too long. I promised Mio that I would try to stop getting home so late,” he hears himself respond.

Pretty much the whole department is going to see us walking together. So much for those rumors fading.

“I'm sure it won't take that long. Now c'mon!” she replies. Saku follows as Subaru leads the way across campus, and out the gates. He waves as he passes a few classmates, trying to keep as low of a profile as possible.

“It seems like you’re fitting in well. You seemed so unsure about T-University not that long ago,” Subaru says, giving him a small smile as they cross the street.

A sudden tiredness settles over Saku. I wish she wouldn’t look at me like that. He lowers his head, avoiding her eyes. “Yeah. Everyone is really friendly,” he responds.

They arrive at the cafe, and Saku slips inside behind Subaru, quickly placing and receiving his order. They step back outside, wordlessly starting the all too familiar short walk back to her apartment.

Trailing a few steps behind her, Saku takes a sip of his drink. The normally invigorating coffee tastes dull on his tongue. At least maybe this way we don’t have to talk.

As if reading his thoughts, Subaru turns, looking over her shoulder at him. “You know, I can’t really talk to you back there,” she says.

Shit. Well, there goes that idea. He mumbles an apology and hurries forward, falling in next to her.

“That’s better,” Subaru says, as he strategically avoids looking her in the eye. “Have you seen the pictures Kaoruko sent to the group? It seems like she's doing really well at her new school.”

Saku chuckles, and downs the rest of his flavorless coffee before tossing the cup into a nearby trash can. “Yeah, Rintaro talks about her pretty much every chance he gets. He can barely help himself.”

“Must be nice,” Subaru murmurs.

What the heck is that supposed to mean?

They arrive, and Saku watches as Subaru makes her way towards the main door of her apartment building. She pauses, glancing back at him.

“Well, this is me. You know, you can come in for a little bit if you want. I've never gotten to show off my new apartment. I feel like I hardly see you these days,” she pouts.

Saku feels a flicker of panic dart through his chest. Come on, come up with an excuse.

“I think I'll pass today. Besides, you wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Having strange boys over to your apartment and all. Especially this late in the evening,” he replies.

She frowns. “Strange boys? Natsusawa-kun, I hardly think you qualify.”

He sighs. “Still…”

“Besides, I feel safe with you. It's like I told you before, being around you-”

I don’t want to hear this again. I can’t do it. There’s no way I can keep a straight face. I wish I could make it-

“Stop,” he says, voice low.

Subaru narrows her eyes, and continues. “-makes me feel at ease. You’re a nice guy, and-”

“Stop!” Saku shouts, a sudden anger arcing through him. She jolts back as if struck, eyes wide.

“I feel safe around you. Being around you makes me feel at ease. Just stop, Hoshina,” he echoes, shoving his shaking hands into his pockets as Subaru stands motionless.

“How oblivious can you even be, saying things like that as if they mean nothing. Getting my hopes up. I’m not special. I'm not nice. You shouldn’t treat me like I am,” he says. The words pent up for so long now spill out in a torrent. What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me? I can’t do this anymore.

“When you came to see me today, I thought, maybe, just maybe-” He cuts himself off. “Half of my department thinks we’re dating,” he finishes.

As suddenly as the anger came, it vanishes. This is pointless. “Why am I even telling you this? It's not like it matters anymore. Just- just stop. Leave me alone, okay?” Saku says, pressing a hand to his forehead. He turns away from her frozen figure, not waiting for a response.

Each step he takes away from her, the weight on his shoulders feels just a little lighter.